


a funny thing happened on the way to hq

by Merideath



Category: The Avengers (2012), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Humor, Mild Language, Public Nudity, SHIELD Agent Darcy Lewis, unexpectedly naked
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-09
Updated: 2013-05-09
Packaged: 2017-12-10 21:58:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/790635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merideath/pseuds/Merideath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The one with paper cups, nanites and public nudity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	a funny thing happened on the way to hq

**Author's Note:**

> I fully admit that my brain is cracked. Though most of you don't seem to mind. I had this crackbunny in the back of my brainpan for awhile but wasn't sure about writing it. I had a crappy morning yesterday and needed so write something ridiculous. 
> 
> Thanks go to Inkandash for beta'ing and to Katertots for enabling me to get it get it finished once I started writing.

The alleyway is cluttered with bags of rotting garbage, discarded coffee cups and puddles of musty smelling water shining with oil slick rainbows. Sweat drips down in her eyes and she wipes it away with the back of her hand. “Come on you little bastard I know you’re there,” she says raising her S.H.I.E.L.D. standard issue side arm.

“Fuck you, lady,” shouts a voice from behind a hulking metal dumpster. Darcy adjusts her aim tracking a paper coffee cup from the corner of her field of vision as it rolls across the ground and into a shimmering puddle.

“Ding ding ding we have a winner for goon of the year. Stand up and put your weapon on the ground,” Darcy orders ignoring the crackle of her comms unit and the sound of an explosion the next block over. She sighs and takes a shot at the bricks above the corner of the dumpster, a small shower of brick dust falls down and a lanky figure stumbles out into the middle of the alley. “Drop the weapon or I drop you,” Darcy says dryly and the goon does as she orders, dropping his weapon and kicking it across the ground towards her.

“Lewis, you okay?” calls out a voice from behind her.

“Yeah, I got this, Captain,” Darcy calls out cheerfully.

“Holy shit, you’re Captain America,” says the lanky goon and Darcy has to bite the inside of her cheek to keep her face neutral. Fanboys.

“Hands--” Darcy begins to say when the goon, nothing more than a kid her own age sends something else bouncing past her feet. She’s thrown off her feet and into a pile of garbage by a heavy red, white and blue blur. There is a bright flash and something splatters against her left leg and arm. Cap’s weight is heavy over her, his breath tickling the side of her face.

“You okay?” he asks as he rolls to his feet with an easy grace eyes scanning the alleyway but the lanky kid is long gone. He holds his free hand out for her but she ignores it scrambling to her feet and wiping garbage juice off her hand and onto the leg of her catsuit.

“What the hell was that?” Darcy asks scanning the alleyway there is something lime green and glittery splattered all over the bricks, Cap’s shield, his legs, and her arm and leg. She tries to rub the gooey substance off her arm and onto the bricks but it doesn’t budge. “Gross dude. So not cool. It’s like the Hulk sneezed. Oh god, please don’t tell Dr. Banner I said that.”

“I think it might be a little worse than that,” Cap says and Darcy looks up to see the sparkly green substance is eating away at the paint on Captain America’s shield and there is a patch of pink skin showing on his leg where the material has been eaten away.

“Oh shit,” Darcy exclaims looking down at her own arm and seeing a similar hole forming in her own uniform. The S.H.I.E.L.D. training program never mentioned anything about sparkly green goo. Red goo, blue goo, and purple sure. But not glittery snot green stuff. “God I don’t want to die with from glittery snot,” Darcy moans.

“Not gonna die. Hawkeye got hit about ten minutes ago with the same thing. Stark says it’s some sort of tiny robots, engineered to break down synthetic materials and...” Cap trails off as the right leg of his tights completely disintegrates, and he casually shifts his shield in front of him. “Damn. Just give me a second okay?”

“Yeah okay, Captain,” she says as Cap steps to the side speaking quickly into his comm. Her arm is completely bare now and the fabric is rapidly diminishing on her leg, creeping up to her hip.  
“I need a car at my location ASAP. No it’s fine... I’m with Agent Lewis. No, we were hit with one of the green bombs...Ten minutes?” Cap says into his comm and she wonders which channel he is on and if she can switch over because all she gets to hear on hers is Sitwell disappointed tone. Cap sighs, yanks his gloves off tossing them into one of the rainbow hues puddles and pulls his cowl down with less force to run his fingers through his hair.

Darcy shifts nervously as cold air raises gooseflesh on the bare skin of her hip and shoulder. A fizzing pop sounds in her ear, and she jumps batting at the size of her head and sending her comms unit sailing against the wall. Captain America looks at her with his eyebrows arched so high they are hidden behind the messy fall of his hair over his forehead.

“So this is awkward,” she snarks trying to ignore the tickle of the fabric falling away from her skin and the fall of her hair down her back as her hair elastic gives out. “What a day not to wear cotton underwear,” she mutters low and Captain Rogers snorts glancing away from the entrance to the alley to meet her eyes, with an unhappy grimace, and he brushes at the tattered remnants of his suit clinging to his chest. “So what exactly are you supposed to do when you find yourself in the situation of your clothes melting off your body in the presence of Captain America? That is not a thing that is in the training manual, sir.”

“We’re standing here about to be naked, I’m pretty sure that calls for being on a first name basis,” Captain Rogers says dryly and her lips twitch into something that might be a smile if the situation didn’t feel so painfully awkward.

“Okay...Steve,” Darcy says as she steps sideways behind the dumpster, it smells horrific, she is nearly standing in a puddle and there is a rustling sound coming from the depths of the dumpster that is more than a little unnerving. She curls an arm over her chest and keeps her gun arm free though twisting her body to the side. “It’s getting kinda breezy and I think I’d rather not have a bunch of baby agents seeing the girls so I’m just gonna stand right here.”

“If I didn’t think I might need my shield I would give it to you,” Steve says frowning down at his shield. His eyes flick up to her and back to the end of the alley. He rolls his shoulders mutters something so quietly she can’t hear it and finally takes a few steps to stand beside her in the shadow of the dumpster.

“Totes understandable Ca...Steve. So is this the first time your suit’s been...uh...you know destroyed?” she winces and her eyes track sideways of their own volition, and she has to bite her tongue to keep from commenting on the view. She thought the Captain America suit was revealing but seeing Steve nearly bare assed with just his shield covering his modesty was panty melting, or would be if she still had them on, and wasn’t you know, on the verge of spontaneously combusting from embarrassment.

“No, actually; acid once and fire a coupla times. The company was far less pleasant though,” Steve says focusing down the alley and she lets her eye drop to the flaking green paint on the dumpster.

“Is that my star?” Steve asks in a slightly strangled voice and Darcy’s eyes widen. Oh god how could she forget about that. The tattoo is on her side, where her bra would lie, a white star surrounding by dark blue that fades out. She struggles to keep still and not squirm from embarrassment or move her hands from their present locations. One arm carefully covering her nearly bare breasts and the other hand wrapped around the hilt of her sidearm. The gun is made of metal and some form of polymer that miraculously hasn’t been stripped away like Cap’s suit and her catsuit.

“Uh no,” She says too quickly her cheeks heating up. “It’s just a star. I got it in New Mexico after that whole Thor falling to earth and fighting that fiery Decepticon thing. Jane and I went out for drinks on my birthday and well it all started with stars, sort of anyway,” she says pushing her shoulders back into the brick wall, its cold but feel substantial and real in a situation that is totally fucked. Trying to stand casually naked beside an equally naked Captain America is pretty much a lost cause.

“It’s very...nice. I like it,” Steve says and she can’t help but look at him. There is a smear of dirt on his chin and a fading bruise along his shoulder. His eyes flick up from the entrance of the alley and their eyes meet for a long moment before the both glance away. There is the small tinkling of metal and Darcy looks down to see the underwire from the left cup of her bra shining on the uneven ground. Well fuck.

“So....” Darcy says toeing the edge of one of the puddles. “Do you think this ever happens to the Widow? I’m really starting to rethink my life choices. Standing naked in a filthy alley after nanites have eaten your clothes was not on the recruitment form.”

“I doubt anything happens to Natasha that she doesn’t want to happen. Well maybe her relationship with Clint,” Steve says and his arm brushes against hers, sending a shiver down her spine. “There’s someone from S.H.I.E.L.D. coming now.”

“Oh thank god. Not that this hasn’t been swell, I mean you have a really nice ass...sertive personality. But I’d really like to get some clothes on,” Darcy rambles and Steve quirks a brow at her. She can see the suits filling the alley and her eyes widen. “OH fuck not agent Findley.”

“What’s wrong?” Steve says and the tone is all Captain America.

“Nothing. Everything. Dude won’t take no for an answer, and thinks it’s funny to make jokes about my rack,” Darcy sighs and Steve makes a sound that is pretty close to a growl, his eyes flick over her briefly and he turns his back to her, taking a half step back to block her from the view of anyone dumb enough to step around the dumpster and ignore Captain America’s unimpressed face. His free hand curls around her hip pulling her flush against his back. 

“Okay?” He asks and it takes her far too long to answer. Her brain is too busy short circuiting, or possibly melting and dribbling out of her ears, at the warmth of his body pressed so intimately against her, his hand warm on her hip, his thumb sweeping back and forth across her skin.

“You better ask me out to dinner after this,” Darcy mutters under her breath as she moves her arm away from her breasts and lets her hand drop to his side. Her nipples rub against the hot skin of his back, the curve of his ass presses into her belly, and she can’t help but smile when he groans. 

“Anything you say, doll,” Steve murmurs his hand tightening on her hip.


End file.
